The MASH fics: Volume Harry
by Juushika
Summary: The second MASH fic, in which Harry runs away and cross-dresses. SeverusHarry Slash
1. Default Chapter

            AUTHOR'S NOTE: Yes, I know this is strange and OOC (it's going into a series of strange ficcis o' mine) and it is so because… uhm… I got really bored one night and decided to play MASH, but like, use random plots and characters, to see who'd end up together and what to write about… eheh. ;;

MASH CRITERIA: Harry must be uke to Severus. Harry must Cross-dress. evil, pervy laughter

WARNINGS: Yeah… so this is slash. Duh. Why are you reading this if you don't like slash when I clearly stated in the summery that it was? Huh? HUH?!

Also, there are multiple annoying Author's Notes as I attempted to explain some things and fail miserably. YAY!

Harry Potter sat before his slightly banged up vanity, timidly pressing a makeup brush to his cheek, glancing down at the popular teen girl's magazine lying open on his lap; just like he had watched Hermione do so many times before. He had just gotten back to his new muggle apartment from a woman's department store, which had been highly embarrassing. He had quickly grabbed the magazine off a rack and headed into the clothing section, only to be assaulted by a very amused looking saleswoman. "Can I help you find something, dear?"

            Harry had looked up sheepishly from the blouse he was examining, flushed an even brighter shade of red, and mumbled something about shopping for his sister's birthday, while studying his scuffed-up trainers. The woman smiled, obviously not believing him in the slightest, and offered to show him what was in style with girls his age now. She led him around, occasionally holding an article of clothing up to him, nodding to herself, and throwing it into the ever-growing pile in Harry's arms. Then she moved on to the cosmetics aisle. Harry had left rather dazed with an entire new wardrobe and enough makeup to fill a purse (he was also talked into buying a purse to respectively stuff his makeup into).

Harry sighed and set down the brush. His scar was pretty much indistinguishable under all the flesh colored goo and powder he had applied to it, and if he brushed his bangs the right way, you couldn't see it at all. He had just figured out how to apply eyeliner without making a large ugly dark brown line, and had managed to only poke himself in the eye with the mascara brush twice. He had managed to figure out how to use the contacts he had gotten in a decent amount of time, and he figured he'd get used to the feeling of plastic constantly being in his eyes soon enough. The eyelash curler was the scariest thing he had had to do, but he thankfully didn't rip out his eyelashes with it altogether.

Harry quickly glossed some rosy color to his lips and dared a look in the mirror in order to take the whole thing in. It scared him a little, to see a young girl in a stylish (according to the saleswoman) summer dress looking back at him instead of the seventeen year-old boy he was accustomed to. He had even quickly bought some wizarding quick growth potion for his hair, which was now a little above his shoulders, which was quite more manageable now that it was long, and had applied clear nail varnish to his fingers. Well, he now looked like a girl, but he still worried about giving himself away by doing something stupid. So he set about practicing crossing his legs without hurting himself, and walked around for nearly an hour in his high heels.

Harry was later elated to find that not only did no one who might have been a wizard or witch in muggle London recognize him, but also no one that he could tell had suspected that he might be anything but female. He even collected quite a few phone numbers. Harry was in fact gay, but going out with straight men who thought that he was a women just seemed very wrong, so he trashed them all, although a bit reluctantly.

Finding a place to live was even more challenging then forcing himself to go dress shopping for the first time, as he was still a minor (AN: Okay, so I don't actually know the "magical legal age of adulthood" of London or anywhere near it, so I'm just going to assume that it's 18, like over here in the US of A. Yes, I could look it up, but that might force me to change my magical fic plan, or make Harry younger, which would be sorta icky. Phht.) and had absolutely no credit history to speak of, but had eventually ended up finding a decent loft above a small bookstore to live in for the time being. The building was owned by an elderly woman, Mrs. Weldon, who had managed to weasel "Lily Evans'" (AN: Yes, Harry is creative and stole his mother's name. I absolutely could not let him name himself "Harriet" or "Harmony" gags.) story out of him, and after a good amount of gushing on her part, let him rent the loft as long as "she" worked downstairs in the bookshop for her. Harry of course agreed, as she was paying him for his work, and Mrs. Weldon had quickly become a grandmother figure to him.

Business was always fairly slow in the shop, so Harry was sitting behind the counter with his elbows propped up on it, resting his chin on his hands, idly sipping coke through a straw and starting vacantly at the wall above the biography section, when the light jingling of bells announced the arrival of a potential customer. He started slightly and immediately started to fiddle with the cash register in a hopeless attempt to appear like he was actually working. He looked over to the costumer who hadn't seemed to notice his presence behind the counter yet, smiling brightly and opening his mouth to chirp "Hello, welcome to Mrs. Weldon's Book Nook, (AN: Laughs loudly and obnoxiously at the store's name ) is there anything I can help you find today?" but upon seeing who was actually _in_ the store, dove down and crouched on the ground, praying that the man hadn't noticed him.

_Holy shit._ He knew he'd be in a whole load of trouble when he arrived at Hogwarts at the end of the summer, but at least he could leave out some details about how he had evaded the officials undoubtedly searching for him… but if Severus Snape found him now, well, he'd have a whole lot more explaining to do. And Harry wasn't quite sure that Severus would keep quite about the whole being dressed like a girl thing. No, Harry was _sure_ he wouldn't.

And so Harry cowered behind the counter as his potions professor selected whatever it was that he had come into the muggle bookstore for, and held his breath as said professor waited by the counter for a minute, before scowling and ringing the bell beside the register quite a few times. This, unfortunately, got the attention of Mrs. Weldon, who could hear the bell from the next room.

Mrs. Weldon came into the shop, looked around quizzically, smiled happily upon seeing Severus, and made her way over to the counter. "I'm terribly sorry. Lily was supposed to be watching the store. I wonder where she went off to… She's never disappeared before…" She trailed off upon walking behind the counter, "Lily! What are you doing down there on the floor?!"

Harry scrabbled desperately for a book that he had just spotted, "I, ah… Dropped a book… and was picking it up…" Harry nervously held the book out as proof.

Mrs. Weldon seemed quite taken aback, "Then, why didn't you… Oh never mind," she sighed exasperated, seeing that Harry was still sitting of the floor, "Why don't you just get up off of the floor and ring this gentleman up?"   

"Um… Can't you do it?" Harry feebly pleaded.

Mrs. Weldon stared at him sternly, pursing her lips, "You've only been working for an hour."

Harry watched helplessly as she swiftly spun around on her heels and made her way into towards the back room. Seeing nothing else for him to do, he slowly stood up.

And there was earth-shattering silence.

Harry kept his gaze glued to the floor and bit his lip, knowing that Severus would recognize him in a heartbeat, and waited as Severus got over his shock of seeing Harry Potter, Boy Wonder, dressed in makeup, a modestly short skirt, a sleeveless turtle-neck sweater, knee-length stockings, and heels.

And there was more silence. Mrs. Weldon had stopped her trip to the back room, and was watching him curiously.

Severus dropped the dictionary that he was holding, "Potter?!"

Harry wordlessly tapped the nametag pinned to his shirt, which proudly said "LILY' in somewhat frilly lettering.

"Well then, _Miss _Evens, is it now? Care to explain what in Merlin's name you think you are doing, on the way back to your relatives' house?" Severus asked harshly.

Harry's head snapped up, "No!" he and Mrs. Weldon both exclaimed in unison.

Severus turned slightly to glower menacingly at Mrs. Weldon, who was hurrying over to the counter beside Harry, hastily trying to explain why Harry was there, "It's quite alright, Lily's aunt sent her over here to work over the summer. I don't believe I know who you are…" She invited, wringing her hands below the counter.

"I'm… _Miss Evans'_ professor. I had gotten word that she had disappeared from home."

Severus hadn't taken his eyes off of Harry, and Harry was sure that he was attempting to make him burst into flames from sheer will.  Mrs. Weldon sniffed, "No, of course not. She was sent here for the summer by his aunt."

Severus shifter his gaze to her, "Mmhmm, and what might her name be?"

"Oh, ah… Patricia."

In all honesty, Severus didn't have a clue what Harry's aunts name actually was, but was certain that she hadn't a clue either. "Right then. Miss Evans, go get your things." He roughly took hold of Harry's ear and dragged him through the "employees only" door that Mrs. Weldon was solemnly pointing to, as she gave Harry a deeply apologetic look.

Harry tried to smile reassuringly at her, but had a strong suspicion that he had failed somewhat miserably.

The ride on the Night's Bus had been absolute hell for Harry. He had only seen Severus this angry one before, and that was something that he didn't really like to recall. He had the feeling that he was going to suffer through a horrible mauling or two before the day was out.

Harry was extremely relieved when they had stopped at Hogwarts instead of his uncle's house, but the relief quickly turned into nausea. He had known that he would have to face Dumbledor eventually, but he had been planning on wearing male clothing when that time came.

When they reached the headmaster's office, Harry hovered uneasily outside while Severus burst into the room looking very much like he was very tempted to brutally murder someone. Probably Harry.

"Ah, Severus. Did you get my dictionary?"

If possible, Severus' mood seemed to darken further, "No, Albus. I did not get your muggle dictionary. While I was out doing your meaningless errand, I ran into a certain Miss Lily Evans, and rushed _her_ back here as quickly as possible."

At Dumbledor's highly confused expression, Severus stormed over to the door, and yanked Harry into the room.

And Harry was really starting to get tired of all these shocked silent periods.

Dumbledor took even longer to recover then Severus had. After several tense minutes, he removed his spectacles and pinched the bridge of his noise with a slight pained expression. "Ah, Mr. Potter… I am very relieved to see you found, and in a moment I shall be quite stern with you, but in the meantime, have a lemon drop."

Harry sat himself down in one of the plush chairs in front of the headmaster's desk, and plucked a lemon drop out of the dish Dumbledor had in his hand. Severus stood next to Harry's chair stiffly and continued to scowl.

    Dumbledor seemed to compose himself and cleared his throat, "Well, Harry, I will choose to ignore your state of dress for the time being, and concentrate on why you decided to vanish for the past several weeks."

Harry had never seen the headmaster this irate before. He shifted awkwardly in his seat, "Uhm…"

Not receiving an answer, Dumbledor sighed and shook his head, "Alright, we will discuss this further when you return for the school year. You will stay here for the rest of the day, and leave tomorrow for your home."

Harry abruptly stood, "Professor—!"

Dumbledor cut him off by wearily raising a hand, "There is no room for discussion, Harry. Severus, please get Harry situated in a room next to yours."

Severus didn't seem very keen on that idea, but chose not to protest and grabbed Harry angrily by his upper arm, dragging him out of the office. Harry followed him in a state of sock, and it seemed to Severus that the boy was trying to hold back tears. He snorted.

They stopped in front of a portrait in the dungeons, Severus barked out the password and practically flung Harry into the room that was revealed, snapped, "Get dressed in something respectable," and pulled the portrait down with a bang, causing the young woman in the painting to yelp.

Harry numbly went to the closet, and found that there _were_ clothes in it, for whatever reason, and selected some that would fit reasonably.

The clothes hung loosely on him, the pants nearly falling off of his hips, and tied his hair back with the band that he had left on his wrist earlier that day. He couldn't find any shoes that wouldn't fall off of his feet, so he opted to go barefoot. Having accomplished this, he wandered into the bathroom to attempt to cut his hair back to its normal length.      

TO BE CONTINUED! Dun dun DUN!


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: No, I still do not own this. Drat.

A/N: This chapter is dedicated to all males who have ever worn woman's panties. sniffles and wipes away a tear

Oh, And I promise not so many Author's Notes will appear in this chapter. gonk face

If any of you were wondering, of course Harry is still wearing frilly girl's panties with his male clothing! He's not about to use someone else's underwear, is he? XD

Harry spent the remainder of the day curled up in bed, the fact that he was going "home" not quite sinking in. Severus woke him up the next morning at an ungodly hour, and pushed Harry into the bathroom to get ready, and waited outside the room impatiently. Harry, not wholly awake, went about his normal morning routine out of habit, which of course, included the application of his cosmetics. Yawning loudly, he stumbled of the restroom, took the trunk that Severus chucked at him, and allowed himself to be drug off the grounds and be apperated not far from Harry's relative's house.

On the walk there, it suddenly hit Harry where exactly they were going, and stumbled in his pumps (The only shoes that Harry could wear were his own, as he could find none that would fit properly) and abruptly stopped walking. He couldn't go back there.

Harry looked around at all the muggles wandering the streets, and then back at Severus, who was glaring back at him, wondering why he had stopped moving. Making up his mind, he hastily spun around and bolted in the opposite direction of Privet Drive, making sure to stay in the crowds. Severus was gaining in on him, and hoping that he still looked enough like a girl with his hair cut short again, grabbed onto a large intimidating woman in a bold flower print dress, "Help! That man's chasing me and I have no idea who he is! He tried to put his hands up my shirt!"

Seeing Severus near them, Harry let out a yelp and dashed down the street again. Severus, still intent of chasing after Harry, failed to notice the large colorful woman's foot flying toward his crotch. Severus stumbled to the sidewalk, and was immediately hit with a barrage of blows from the woman's hefty purse. "Help! Pervert!"

Harry took as many corners as he could until he was completely out of breath and could no longer run. Spotting a lady's lingerie shop, he quickly made his way inside, clutching his side. One of the employees gave him an odd look, and Harry smiled awkwardly at her, grabbed some random bras off their racks, and made his way into the fitting rooms. Once there he sank to the floor, trying to regain his breath. He knew that he couldn't stay in the dressing room for too long, as it would seem rather suspicious, but decided to milk the time he had for all it's worth. He could always go back out, grab more bras, and "try those on".

Severus, however, wasn't stupid. He had placed a tracking charm over Harry in case he actually _did_ try to run. After escaping from the crowd of angry muggles, it wasn't long before he had made his way to the lingerie shop. Spelling the muggles in the shop, he forcefully towed Harry out by the arm, telling him that if he tried anything like that again, Severus would kill him, consequences be damned.

They were walking up the steps outside the house when Harry's began to badly shake and immediately dissolved into tears. "Good Lord, Potter, Yes your relatives will be cross with you for running away, but don't you think you're being a bit overdramatic?"

Harry continued to sob and wiped his nose on his sleeve. Severus looked on with a disgusted look and loudly rapped on the door, eager to be done with this. The door opened a bit later to reveal an extremely obese boy around Harry's age, who looked over at Harry and scowled, "Dad! Potter came back!"

An equally obese man hurriedly approached the door, scowling even more then his son had been, "Well, I see you want us to take you back in."

Harry shook his head and hiccupped, "N-no!"

Vernon scowled further, "Don't speak unless you're spoken to, boy!" (never mind that Vernon _had_ spoken to Harry) and took in his appearance, "Boy, are you wearing _makeup_?"

Dudley's eyes bulged, and, seeing that his father was right, began to guffaw loudly. Vernon narrowed his eyes at Harry, "What have I told you about _that_ kind of behavior?"

Severus interrupted, wanting to leave and get back to his business, "Excuse me, I am Mr. Potter's professor, Severus Snape. It seems your nephew was hiding out in a bookstore in London, and had been disguising himself as a girl. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have more pressing matters to attend to." At this Severus turned, preparing to descend the steps, when Harry suddenly flung himself at him, clutching the back of his robes in a death grip.

"Potter, what the bloody Hell do you think you're doing?!"

Severus spun around, jerking his robes out of Harry's hands, but he just latched onto the front of his robes desperately, "Please don't make me go back there! I'll do anything!"

Harry's eyes were frantic, and his voice had a hysterical edge to it. Severus frowned and tried to pry his robes out of Harry's hands, "Stop this at once, Potter."

Harry shook his head vigorously, "No! If you make me go back there, I swear I'll kill myself!"

Severus froze at that admission. It wouldn't do for the one person who could defeat the Dark Lord to commit suicide. Severus was fairly sure that Harry hadn't meant it, but Severus knew full well that Harry, like his father, was rash and not prone to thinking. He sighed loudly in defeat, "Alright Potter, We'll see what the Headmaster has to say about this," He turned to Vernon, who was practically radiating anger, "We'll contact you after he talks to a mediwitch."

Once they had gotten to the Three Broomsticks, Severus flooed Hogwarts, ignoring the looks He and Harry was getting, and Harry was still sniffling quietly and scrubbing at his eye makeup. Severus, much to his dismay, got a recorded message from Dumbledore that he had been pulled away on business and would return in a week. All the other teachers, being sane, were all at their homes for the summer, which meant that Severus had to wait out the week with Harry in his care. Severus groaned, he was supposed to be returning to his manor today. He'd just have to bring Harry with him. 

Severus could tell that Harry was in awe of the manor as he showed him to one of the guest rooms. "This is the room that you'll be using. Just… Try not to do anything stupid for once, will you, Potter? And with that he shut the door and pinched the bridge of his nose. He needed a drink. A hard drink.

Harry, after sitting in his room for around an hour, had decided that he'd rather talk to Severus then sit in the room any longer. He got lost twice before a chanced upon Severus' study, and noticed that the light was on. Harry timidly stepped into the room and shuffled over barefoot to where Severus stood replacing a book, intent on thanking him for keeping him here. Severus, not noticing that Harry was in the room, backed up into him and spun around startled, which caused them to be in a very close vicinity to one another.

Smell is said to be the closest of our senses, which would probably explain Harry's behavior. Severus had built up quite an alcohol tolerance, and as he had been drinking, was not dunk, just feeling slightly fuzzy. But Harry could still smell the alcohol on him, and the memories came rushing back.

Harry was back in his room at Privet Drive, lying on his mattress not quite asleep, listening to his uncle ascend the stairs after his typical night at the bar. However, tonight, the heavy footsteps stopped outside Harry's door. He sat up as Vernon entered the room roaring drunk and reeking of alcohol, "Uncle Vernon?"

Vernon crossed the room and backhanded him harshly, "Fucking faggot. I will not tolerate you spreading your dirty thoughts and ways around this house. Every time you make me think those unnatural thoughts again, I'll be sure to remind you why it's sick."

By now Harry was quite confused, and was having trouble focusing on what Vernon was saying as flecks of spit were hitting his face with every word. Vernon grabbed a fistful of Harry's hair and roughly tossed him onto the ground.

Hands were touching him now. Hot whisky laden breath on his face, the sound of a zipper coming undone, hands brutally fisting his hair and jerking his head back, Vernon grunting in the back of his throat and forcing his mouth open… And someone was shaking him. Harry's eyes snapped open and he shrieked, trying to claw away from the man shaking him.

Severus managed to get Harry to calm down a bit, but the boy was still staring up at him with his eyes wide and absolutely terrified, before the tears came. Severus let Harry slip to the floor who proceeded to empty his stomach onto the hardwood floor.

A/N: Nyahg. I hate for this to turn into another "poor Harry, he was forced to suck off his uncle" fic, but I had to have Harry run away for some reason. He just doesn't seem the type to randomly run off and cross-dress for no reason, ya' know? shrugs Feed me reviews to inspire me, and read "The MASH Fics: Volume Percy"! And review that also! I command you! …Please?                                            


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